COLTS KEEPER’ IN FRAUD SHAME
Stevenage Colts goalkeeper Adrian Lee is set to go under trial for fraud. The 23 year old has been caught up in a legal mess after incorrectly purchasing a child’s ticket for First Capital Connects train service on route to watch his beloved Arsenal. Lee, due to appear in front of the Judge in March is said to be frustrated at the £2.50 difference, at is set to, at a minimum, incur court costs should the trial not go his way. Lee could be looking at a prison sentence of anything up to 7mins, and with his medium build, close friends are concerned that he will not be able to fend of any attacks reminiscent of that famous scene from The Shawshank Redemption.
SEX, DRUG’S AND ROCK N ROLL
Pint-size right back Mark Pallister has been shamed by revelations that he has spent the last 4 days in Bulgaria, taking part in gothic-themed drunken orgies. Pallister, famous for his bad-boy image, Starsky-like hair and robot tattoo’s is said ‘not to give a f**k’ amidst the controversy. A long list of un-named sources has revealed that Pallister had tried to entice them away with him to Bulgaria, with the promise of cheap alcohol and women.
123 EXPLODES
Versatile wide man Chris ‘123’ Parker has gone into hiding after an issue for arrest was released in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Parker has been charged with ‘murder in the first degree’ after the maimed body of an un-named man was found buried under several boxes of Wispa bar’s. It is thought that 123 had ‘exploded in a fit of rage’ after the man continuously heckled him as ‘Waitrose Boy’ going on to say – ‘you’ll never make it to Marks & Spencer’s’.
BARTLETT – SIMPLY THE VEST?
After not being seen wearing a vest for month’s now, former Stevenage Colts captain Josh Bartlett is said to be feeling the pressures of the credit crunch. ‘It’s true’ said someone close to Josh, ‘he just can’t afford both vests and silly hats. It has to be one or the other’. Friends of Josh are said to be saddened by the revelation, showing their dismay at his inability to now look his ‘very vest’ day-in, day-out.
CONSPIRACY THEORY
Newly appointed club captain David Whitten has been caught up in a tale of conspiracy. It is rumoured that Whitten, in an effort to regain the armband, continuously sabotaged Josh Bartlett’s route to football on a Sunday morning after it was announced Colt’s manager Kieran Hufford was becoming unimpressed with the then skippers timekeeping. In a story of trickery, deceit and creative thinking, Josh had to tackle various scenarios on his Sunday morning journeys with Whitten the mastermind behind each and every one of them, including a midnight break-in, where it’s believed Whitten drugged Bartlett with just enough horse tranquilizers to keep him asleep 30mins longer than he intended.
JONES DANCES HIS WAY TO THE TOP
In sensational news, frontrunner for the coveted golden espodrill Sam Jones is set to be cast in Justin Timberlake’s upcoming music video. It is believed that Timberlake is looking to add extra style to his upcoming promotion and has targeted the smooth moves of Sam Jones as his priority.‘Sam’s creative ability on the dance floor has had Mr Timberlake extremely impressed’ read a recent press release from the pop stars publicist. ‘He feels Sam is the missing piece of the puzzle, the se cond in the series of his Futuresex brand ‘Futuresex Loveshuffle’.
You can see Sam do the ‘Loveshuffle’ here:
LIVERSIDGE NOT PC ENOUGH
Stevenage Colts’ Dan Liversidge has caused outrage after his latest photo shoot, having been shot wearing nothing but a police helmet whilst holding a truncheon. Party-boy Dan has been a huge hit in terms of marketing sales in the Far East over the last 6 months, his desire to be in as many pictures as possible helping in his bid to appear on to billboards right across Asia. Stevenage Colts have likened the impact by Liversidge on club revenue to that of David Beckham, with shirt sales soaring across the likes of Tokyo and Beijing. However, his latest pictures are set to cause a stir amongst the local authorities, with Dan having recently enrolled into the police force himself. This just may have been, one picture too many for Liversidge and his reputation.
PAUL TO BECOME THE BURGER ‘KING’
Rumours are beginning to surface that Stevenage Colts midfielder Paul King has found an unlikely career path. After 7 long years of service at Staples UK Paul is believed to be interested in securing a move to world-wide super-franchise Burger King. We were able to catch up with Paul and he had this to say:‘Last Saturday I woke up to an overwhelming stench of defrosting burgers. God knows what happened earlier in the night, but there was a packet of half frozen beef burgers rotting away on my carpet. If it wasn’t for the burger grease smeared over my back I probably wouldn’t have given it a second thought, but it was this that caused my girlfriend to jokingly call me the ‘Burger King’ after my name. Then it hit me. It was a sign. A message from above.’It is still unclear as to why there were frozen burgers in Paul’s room that day, however, one thing is certain, the news is set to be devastating to his current employer, as well as his Staples colleagues where he has proved to be a popular figure amongst the many generations that have passed through the famous red doors.
WINCH TO ATTEND SOCCER SCHOOL IN AFRICA
Colts’ explosive winger Craig Winch is set to start a new life in Africa after recent death threats have surfaced following the recent 8-5 win at Procladd. It is believed that Winch will attend the school in an effort to help harness his crossing ability whilst focussing his attention on receiving a good education. The school endorsed by former Manchester United player Jesper Blomqvist helps potential African players maximise their use of pace as well as their ability to help get their head up and pick out a man in the box. ‘It’s all well and good being able to cross a ball from an offside position, which young Craig has demonstrated on many occasions, the real trick is to do it when it counts’ said Blomqvist. It is thought that the imminent arrival of David Ginola will keep things in order for Colts on the left hand side, whilst Winch takes some time off to improve his trade’.
TRY -ING IT ON
It is understood that Colts Player-lino Gareth Rees was signed under the believe that he could actually play football. Sources says false proof of his career history was created and used to seal the deal. In actual fact Rees is believed to be Rugby player. Supicions were raised when he made hes debut in a 10 minute spell towards the end of the early season game again Old Town Spoons the skills demonstrated by the player didn't match up to expectation.
MARLBORO AND BENSON SIGN UP SEARLE
Colts new striker Nathan Searle has been signed up by a tobacco consortium of Marlboro and Benson in order to protect the already damaged reputation of the cigarette industry. Searle can be seen with a cigarette before, during and after every game, proving that they have little or no effect on the modern day human fitness.A spokesman for Marlboro has issued the following statement:Nathan Searle is a top athlete and with his cooperation we hope to rid the world of the mythological ideas that cigarettes are bad for you. As you can see, the tobacco intake has not put a hamper on his performances and we will keep going with our campaign until every man, woman and child realise smoking is a safe and enjoyable experience, that can be shared by everyone around the world.
FINALLY GETTING IT WRIGHT
Colts right winger Chris Thompson has finally revaled his darkest secrets about scoring from a one on one in football, "If you miss enough one day you will finally score" he said, However a source close to the player said that Thompson had taken himself away from his family and his friends to study and watch Ian Wrights greatest goal videos. This was after years and countless one on one mishaps. After Sundays showing against Procladd maybe this is what was needed, Chris was said to be over the moon and will now attempt to replicate his hero by bringing out his own great goals compilation.
TOUR TOUR OOH
Adam Wisker caught up with us this week in a season which promised so much for him on the field, however we havent seen much from him as shorlty after signing Adam got a great oppurtunity to tour the world with his band the "Careless Wisker" , Adam as founder and triangle player is extremley pleased with how everything is going with the band and the football team hes left behind. " Im glad to hear the boys are doing well in their first season and i make sure my dad and brother keep me up to date with all the day to day happenings at the club", he continued" I should be back next year, but who knows the world at the moment is loving our bands unique style so we must take advantage of this."
LANE TAKES UP MOTIVATIONAL CHALLENGE
Stevenage Colts’ top scorer Peter Lane will this summer be flown to the USA to take part in motivational speaking seminars at the University of California in Los Angeles. By invite of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Lane will over the course of 3 days speak in front of 26,000 students giving them tips on encouragement, determination and the will to succeed. Having witnessed a videotape of Lane encouraging friend and strike partner Neil Parker, Schwarzenegger immediately identified him as the man to help the youth of California. Should it go well, it is believed that Lane may be asked to perform similar talks to British and American armed forces based around the world.
WE ARE NOT A RACIST CLUB – HUFFORD
Stevenage Colts manager Kieran Hufford has hit out at accusations that his club are racist. ‘Yes it’s true, we do not quite represent the local demographic of Stevenage in terms of race, but that is not something that has happened deliberately’ explained Hufford. ‘As club of the year we pride ourselves on the fact we welcome people with open arms no matter what their background is, and I assure you it is an issue we have looked at’. However, unrest is beginning to set in to the Stevenage Colts hierarchy and it seems that should the issue not solve itself in the simplest of forms, extreme measures may have to be taken. Inspiration has come in the form of the movie Tropic Thunder, and it looks more and more possible one of the Colts players may have to undergo a skin pigment alteration – the most likely candidate, Hufford himself.
OLIVERS TWIST
It has been revealed that Colts youngest player Oliver Wisker has fooled everyone into thinking he was recently away taking part in a cricket coaching course. The truth has finally come out that he was in fact in southern Italy, planning and executing an elaborate bank heist, using his recently acquired yellow Mini Cooper as the getaway vehicle. Wisker is said to have stolen over £150 (one hundred and fifty) in gold bullion but cannot be found since crossing the border back into England. It is however believed that Wisker could get away with his mischievous plan, as the unnamed banks are refusing to reveal themselves. A statement from Arma dei Carabinieri, the Italian military police has revealed that the bank in question are deeply humiliated by the vast sums involved, and wish to remain anonymous to control any damage that the heist may do to their reputation. This could work in Wiskers favour, the promise of keeping his mouth shut may be enough leverage for the Italian police to drop all charges.
SUN THING TO THINK ABOUT
News has finally broken over the reason for Neil Parker’s hatred of opposition goalkeepers. It is believed that before every game Parker, sub-consciously, sets out to hurt the opposition keeper, but no-one could quite work out why. However, after recent visits to several psychiatrists, ordered by Colts management Kieran Hufford and Martin Wisker, the reasons have made themselves known. Parker revealed to psychiatrist Alfred Adler that during a five-a-side tournament when he was 6 years old, a rival teams goalkeeper, by accident, knocked over his freshly opened carton of Capri-Sun. Parents Malc and Jan immediately remembered the incident, explaining that Parker attacked the culprit with a turkey dinosaur .‘He went ballistic’ explained Malc. ‘It took three fully grown adults to pull him off the kid; it was the first time I remember Neil really losing his temper’. It is believed Parker also attacked one of the parents who were trying to pull him off. ‘A man was trying to help, and Neil just lost it with him as well’ said mother Jan. ‘He attacked him with a chicken goujon, jabbing him repeatedly in the eye. I think he may have been the owner of the nearby Curry House, but that’s beside the point’……..
GINOLA DISCOVERED IN BASEMENT OF COLTS STAR
Former Spurs wing-wizard David Ginola has been found in the basement of Colts left-back Rob Peduto. Suspicions arose when people realized Peduto was buying L’Oréal hair shampoo in vast quantities – despite having little to no hair himself.Ginola was reported missing two Saturdays ago – and Colts’ Peduto hasn’t been seen at football since. Alarmingly, a list of names was found next to Ginola’s cage, and included on that list was Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker. Whilst Barker was unable to comment, Ginola had this to say:I bumped into Rob shortly after speaking with Colts chairman Martin Wisker. He suggested a drink; he was going to talk to me about the prospect of playing for Colts, and see if he can help me with my decision. I took a sip of my wine (French of course) and the next thing I new I was out. I woke up locked in a cage, I was frightened. I didn’t know what was going to happen. He would make me wash my hair over and over and over again – and all he kept saying was ‘you are worth it’.This news comes as a devastating blow to Colts Martin Wisker as it is now looking almost certain that Ginola will reject a move to Shephalbury Park. This could force the board to block Craig Winch’s proposed move to Africa.
WISKER IN DUBAI DREAM
Colts chairman Martin Wisker has returned from Dubai after several meetings involving a consortium highly respected and well funded businessmen. It is rumored that the chairman has put the club up for sale, and whilst would welcome bids for majority holding, he still wants to be involved in the day-to-day runnings at boardroom level. ‘I think, with the money involved in football today, everyone is looking at potential investment’ explained Wisker Snr. ‘Given that the credit crunch has hit this country hard – prime example being Josh’s deprivation of vests - I think we need to do what is best for the long term stability of Stevenage Colts’. It is believed that an offer is yet to be made, but due to the success of the first team as well as the reserves, Stevenage Colts Football Club is looking an attractive proposition to all potential suitors.